026 + FOR EVERYONE WHO HAS BEEN BORN OF GOD OVERCOMES THE WORLD [video]

[trenchcoatedly]

[For once, Castiel is actually in his room. He's sitting on the bed. The wall behind him is scrawled with sigils (not counting the gentleman in the suit). He takes a deep breath, steadying himself.]]

It is my great honor to announce that Richie Gecko has graduated. He's returned to Mexico and will be waiting for his brother there.

I, too, will be departing soon. I owe my vessel his freedom, as I promised, and my friends in my universe may need my help. I can't say when I'll be departing, but it will be soon. Afterwards, I will no longer possess a physical form. If you need help or aid, you can call for me, however, and I will help you as much as I can. It make take me a few moments to locate you in the multiverse, but I will come.

I should be in the greenhouse if anyone would like to resolve any old conflicts with me.

[LOCKED to ANYA]
Is it too late to apologize for my conduct?

Comments

[fridgetothefire]

Stepped on a lot of ants, have you?

How many does it take, I wonder, before it's too many?

[trenchcoatedly]

One is too many.

[fridgetothefire]

So why did you do it?

[The amusement has faded; her tone is half hard, prosecutorial, and half vulnerable. She's arrogant enough to think she knows why, but young and scared enough to hope she's wrong.]

[trenchcoatedly]

Because I was told to by my old superior, who has no understanding or appreciation of the beauty of life. And because I was told I wasn't capable of doing it, by an old friend and soldier I slaughtered because I was consumed by my own ego. Because I was too weak to resist the call of dark magic, and I am irresponsible with my might.

[fridgetothefire]

They weren't there, you know.

I heard my own voices in that place, and every one of them was - it was all stuff I knew even if i didn't want to. Stuff it pulled out of me.

If they said I deserved it, for - I don't know, for being human, for being in the way - then part of you believes that.

[She means for it to sound like an accusation. But it just comes out small, and sad. Part of her believes it too.]

[trenchcoatedly]

Maybe I do. If so, fighting that thought is something I will do every second of every day for the entirety of my existence.

[fridgetothefire]

[flatly]

And sometimes you'll lose again.

[Frowning, frustrated.]

I mean, gosh, it'd be really great to keep a debt from an angel - whatever that actually means - in my pocket, just in case, except that if I ever actually need something from you, I still won't be able to trust you, not with anything important.

So...no. There's not really anything you can do.

[trenchcoatedly]

Yes, I will lose. But I will try to learn from those losses, to win in the future. That's all I can do.

I will always help you, debt or no debt.

[fridgetothefire]

[Now she's angry, almost feral, teeth all clenched and bared.]

That's a lie! Don't make promises about how you'll always help when you already know that sometimes you'll lose, sometimes you'll be the, the fire and the wrath, okay. And then pick yourself and learn from the losses, like dead kids are just there so you can improve yourself.

That's sick.

[trenchcoatedly]

[There's something hard and dark in his eyes.]

There is nothing I can do about my actions in the past. I am well aware of my weakness, and that I am a catastrophic failure of my original purpose and that my attempts to be something better have ended with things worse than they began. All I can do is move forward. If I dwell on my failures, I will turn to a creature of pure darkness and hate. I will be that thing that struck you down in the hotel. So I have to fight that urge, even though it sings to me every second of every day. And the only way I know how to fight it is continuing to try to help when and however I can.

If you have other suggestions or coping mechanisms, I welcome your feedback.

[fridgetothefire]

[The admission is grimly satisfying, though she doesn't react beyond banking her flare of temper. If she were as honest herself, she doesn't think there's any solution; she'd kill him if she could. But she'll settle, for now, for the glimpse she's gotten of his pain.]

I just don't want you to lie to me anymore. Maybe other people find it comforting, not knowing you're scrambling on the edge, but I don't.

I'm sorry I can't help any more generally than that. I've only been the one who gets stepped on, never the one too powerful for anyone else to stop.

[One shoulder shrugs. That's just her life. She doesn't count what happened to Wanda. That wasn't about power. So she tells herself.]

[trenchcoatedly]

Then I retract what I said, and instead offer this.

As long as I am sensible, I will help you.

[fridgetothefire]

I hope I don't need it.

[She nods slightly.]

But I can accept that.

[trenchcoatedly]

I hope so too.